courtships | august 8th, 2014

miranda,

your birthday is a special occasion. you turn a year older and more specifically, you're 20 years old now. honestly, twenty is a boring age. you don't get to do much. you still have to wait to go out and experience the fun nightlife, but still. you're not a teenager anymore. the teens are over with. now, you'll probably have a few nights where you'll like, woah, so some of how i felt back then really was a teen thing, and you'll have nights where you're like, shit, why can't i be 16 again.

being 20 is kind of like being 12, basically.

for your health, i've come up with a few cheats for what i think helped me survive 20:

1. animal crackers and a juice box are acceptable for dinner
2. do something stupid that won't hurt anyone because you're 20
3. when someone asks your age, 20,000 sounds more impressive than 20
4. don't be afraid of yawning as loud as possible in public, you're 20 and no one can stop you
5. do not ever agree to eat a whole cigarette because you're 20 and you think you are unstoppable
6. love someone as much as you physically can, and then some

about two years ago, i remember you came home from celebrating your birthday. i remember distinctly that we flirted, pretty hard, on tumblr. at the time, i wasn't sure how serious you were about it, but it was fine for me. i was kind of used to friendly flirtations, and it was, you know, just how i am. when i'm single, and i was, i am unafraid of placing myself in a romantic situations with just about anyone. the problem was, to anyone who knew me, i was transparent as fuck. danielle told me she knew what was happening, and she had no problem with it. in fact, she was all for it, because she felt you were a good person.

she was right, of course, but the irony in danielle of all people telling me that is obvious.

i was transparent because, in the end, i think i really did want you to like me as much as i did. i didn't think it'd ever happen, though, i didn't think it was possible. people told me, time and time again, that it was obvious we both had feelings for each other. one of the reasons i confessed before my planned date was specifically because people kept telling me i had nothing to lose.

i went for it, and i'm glad i did -- i love you. i really do. i have so many fond memories of you. i love you as much as i love any silly material thing i own. i love you more than i love my favorite foods and bands and books. making you laugh and smile is the one thing that gives me purpose. being with you is the only measure of time i care to keep. you're everything to me, the moon and the stars, and that big stupid yellow fireball that comes out to light everything up. you're more brilliant than any diamond could ever be, more romantic than a late night walk on the beach, more timeless than audrey fucking hepburn. i love you more than anyone or thing i've ever loved and the only thing i ever want is to be with you.

you're beautiful, and you were born 20 years ago today.

so if anything, i have to say thank you for continuing to be here.

i suppose i owe your mom, too. give her a hug from me. it might be a little weird though. i made it weird, didn't i?

so, these are for you.

one, two, and three is on the way. it's gotta come together a little more. i'm sorry.

i love you so, so, so much. happy birthday. thank you so much for being alive. thank you so much for being there for me. thank you for letting yourself exist in my world. thank you for everything you've ever done for me, and everything you'll ever do for me. thank you so much. i love you to the moon and back, and if i could, i'd find an entire new galaxy and name it after you.

xander